Still having erratic mood swings. Driving me insane.

Happy. Crying. Worried. Stressed. Over Confident. No Esteem. Going back and forth. Roller coastering.

Cried at Chat with John today. Even got angry and left chat. I never do that. Went back promptly.

Thank God he is so patient with me.

I have gained 5 lbs this week.

Eating is out of control.

Eat to the point of getting ill and eating more afterwards.

I hate myself.

Why can’t I follow my gastric bypass plan?

Why haven’t I lost more weight?

I was 284 lbs on Sept 1st.

Today I am back to 219. Was down to 214 a week ago.

These mood swings are killing me.

I wanna die.

Can’t live like this.

Either all I do is sleep or I don’t sleep at all.

Trying different meds to get my moods and sleep patterns contolled and none are working for me.

Back on abilify and taking trazodone to sleep. Even with it I am awake every 2.5 hours. Take another trazodone. Wait for it to work and back to sleep. Repeat

My sugar has went crazy the past 3-4 days. Too many carbs and not enough insulin. Been any where from 69 to 397. That in itself will cause wild fluctuations in moods.

Wonder “If” I like feeling like crap all the time.

Just wish I could deal with life and stressful situations better than I do. I don’t cope well. I have never coped well. I will be 45 this year and I pray that its time I learn to…

Cope

LOVE

Have relationships

Been so lonely lately. Been over 15 years since I went on a date. Yes FIFTEEN Years without a man, a hug, a kiss….

Wondering IF I will ever allow a man in my life.

I have known from the beginning that John and I will never be together… prolly the only reason I let him get so close to me.

Tears Falling….

It would take a miracle for John and I even to meet. Over 3500 miles separate us… plus he is close to his family and all.. just like I am to mine.

John is such a good man and I adore him. The best friend I ever had.

I am crying so hard.. internally and externally as I type this through wet eye lashes…

Just wish I had all the answers…

Wishing God would knock me up the side of my head and say, ” Angela… Do this. Not That.”

Specific instructions from God is what I desire.

I truly think I am a good person. I have given my life to the Jesus. Not perfect but I try. I know all my sins are forgiven.

I have given up my entire existence for my Baby Sis Rosie. I love her dearly. I need her more than she needs me. My closest friend.

I just wish I was able to talk to men. Let a man into my REAL life just not my virtual life.

Wiping away a myriad of tears flowing.

I hate having fibromyalgia pain so often.

Reoccurring more frequently and is more prolonged and more painful lately.

I hate being scared of leaving the house.

We had planned on going out numerous times this week and I  kept on postponing it. Making up reasons.. when in actuality I was too scared to go out.

I have also become an online shopaholic. Spending too much money on frivolous items like clothes, jewelry, shoes, makeup etc.

I spend the majority of my free time online. I rarely do anything else. I seldom cook, clean, do laundry, exercise, etc.

I wanna do more.. but I actually never do.

Lazy.

Uninspired.

Misguided.

Needing help in all areas.

My health has improved since gastric bypass in some ways but in others it has declined.

Mentally I am a mess.

Needy.

Scared.

Worried about my future..

if there even is one.

How many people do you know that freaks out even to talk to family members by phone. Raise your hands… I am raising mine. It totally freaks me out.

I detest being in situations where I will have to converse.

I have had cognitive behavioral training.. did me no good.

I have spoken to doctors, therapists, psychologists, psychiatrists, etc.

When I talk about things.. it makes me even more unable to cope.

I am literally and physically exhasuted tonight.

My mind is wandering.

Can’t write what I want to…

whirling

swirling

down

down

down

I am off to bed….

to pray

and

to cry some more.

Asking the Lord Jesus Christ to help me.

~Angela